


Bones' List

by Snarky_Muffins



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Bones Wrote This, Bones' List, Gen, Rules for Jim/Bones friendship, bit of Jim bashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-15
Updated: 2014-03-09
Packaged: 2017-12-29 13:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1005852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snarky_Muffins/pseuds/Snarky_Muffins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Also known as 51 things that would end Leonard McCoy and Jim Kirk's friendship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Unedited, swearing, sexual content. Beware of this. Even though I am sure you have read worse.

Bones' List  
1- Do not come to me with any or all sex related injuries, from oh, let’s say you pissing off Spock  
2- Do not come to me for a really stupid injury that could’ve been prevent by A-common sense or B- Growing half a brain. Example: Tripping, or messing with Scotty’s ship  
3- Do not come to me for hangover relief  
4- Do not come to me with any injuries from pissing off Spock (not to be confused with number 1, those are just sex injuries in general)  
5- Do not come to me with any alcohol caused injures i.e, ones from a bar fight  
6- Do not get sexual harassment charges, or else I will testify against you  
7- Do not copulate with my staff, or else I’ll tell Spock  
8- Do not drink the last of my Romulan Ale  
9- Do not tell me about erotic sex stories from your past  
10- Do not tell me about erotic sex stories from your time with Spock  
11- Do not tell me about sex with Spock in general  
12- Do not ever chew gum in my Sickbay  
13- Do not write on the biobed  
14- Do not wear short shorts in the gym when I am present  
15- Do not flirt with my staff, or else I’ll resign (not to be confused with number 7, this is just flirting)  
16- Do not fraternize with my staff, or else I’ll…just don’t  
17- Do not make me go on that transporter pad unless my skills will for sure be needed on the landing party  
18- Do not talk about my fear of dying  
19- Do not tell me how to run my Sickbay  
20- Do not try to be my wingman, unless I requested your services  
21- Do not try to hook me up with an Orion hooker  
22- Do not become mushy with Spock in front of me  
23- Do not eat foods so bad I’m sure your heart will explode on the spot around me  
24- Do not flirt with me  
25- Do not copulate with me, sorry  
26- Do not get drunk without me  
27- Do not…not invite me to poker  
28- Do not ever dare me to remove all my clothing and run down the hall screaming ‘Star Spangled Banner’ in a singing voice  
29- Do not ever erase or look at my PADD history  
30- Do not ask about why you cannot erase or look at my PADD history  
31- Do not get so drunk that you throw up on me, that’s my job  
32- Do not share any sex stories I tell to you  
33- Do not ask me for sex advice  
34- Do not ask me about kinky things  
35- Do not ask me for lube, I give you a bottle every month  
36- Do not ever ask me to ask you why you need lube  
37- Do not ever talk about my divorce  
38- Do not wear any of my uniform shirts  
39- Do not tell me why you might wear any of my uniform shirts  
40- Do not expect me to throw you a birthday party after the one at the academy  
41- Do not ever throw me a birthday party  
42- Do not ever buy me one of those things you bought me again  
43- Do not ever act like we are a couple during shore leave  
44- Do not ever give me a present that A-smells like old cheese B- Spock has touched and/or picked out C- Is itchy D-Has to do with sex E-Isn’t alcohol  
45- Do not tell me about what happened on the Bridge. If I wanted to know, I would’ve gone up  
46- Do not throw away this list  
47- Do not discount anything on this list as bluffing or false  
48- Do not tell Spock about this list  
49- Do not make fun or mention this list to my face  
50- Do not break any of the rules above

There you go, Jimmy. Enjoy.

P.S- Rule 51: Do not send me down to the planet’s surface in a red shirt


	2. Spock's List

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 41 things that could end Spock and Jim's relationship. I was actually surprised at how difficult this was to write. Maybe I just got writers block...it's eleven rules shorter than Bones' List, mostly because I wanted it to be long, but I found it was growing redundant, so I ended it before the whole thing became a train wreck. So, no promises on this one, but I hope you enjoy and review anyway! No matter how hard I wish, I still don't own any thing Star Trek :( (Unbeted, one swear, some sexual references)

Spock’s List  
1- Do not offer me chocolate  
2- Do not continuously knock and/or request access to my quarters if I denied your request before. Exception to this rule is if there is an emergency requiring my assistance  
3- Do not pointedly stare at my posterior on the Bridge  
4- Do not attempt to force me to visit Doctor McCoy  
5- Do not repeatedly hum ‘Om’ when I am attempting to meditate  
6- Do not share details about our sexual encounters  
7- Do not make sexual comments and/or references in public  
8- Do not dress up as a Vuclan on the Earth holiday known as ‘Halloween’ as you did the previous year  
9- Do not mock me when my back it turned to you  
10- Do not engage in flirtatious behavior with other crew members  
11- Do not engage in copulation with other crew members  
12- Do not dye my hair while I am sleeping  
13- Do not cut my hair while I am sleeping  
14- Do not cheat when we are engaging in a game of three dimensional chess  
15- Do not attempt to engage in copulation with my person if I am sleeping  
16- Do not attempt to engage in copulation with my person if we are on the Bridge  
17- Do not attempt to engage in copulation with my person if we are in the mess hall  
18- Do not attempt to engage in copulation with my person while I am showering  
19- Do not attempt to engage in copulation with my person if I denied your request  
20- Do not interchange my uniform with Earth apparel  
21- Do not turn down the temperature in my quarters  
22- Do not attempt to engage in a role play fantasy during copulation  
23- Do not slip animal flesh into my substances  
24- Do not attempt to get me intoxicated  
25- Do not call my father to arrange a ‘birthday party’ with him  
26- Do not coddle me if I am afflicted with an injury and/or illness  
27- Do not ‘snoop’ on my PADD  
28- Do not hack my PADD so when I receive a message, a twenty first century song by the title of ‘Sexy Bitch’ plays, or by the title of ‘Girlfriend’  
29- Do not private message me while I am within speaking range of you  
30- Do not private message me items/text/images that are meant to be sexually arousing  
31- Do not refer to my father as ‘Pops’ and/or ‘Dad’ and/or ‘Daddy’ and/or ‘Papa Vulcan’  
32- Do not pierce my ears in my sleep  
33- Do not continue to create ‘ship names’ such as Spirk  
34- Do not attempt to make me watch any of the following earth films: ‘The Notebook’, ‘Titanic’, ‘The Last Kiss’, ‘Marley and Me’, ‘Two Brothers’, ‘Milo and Otis’, ‘Armageddon’, or ‘What’s Eating Gilbert Grape’  
35- Do not attempt to persuade me into believing that when you watch any of the movies listed above, your eyes are only ‘sweating’  
36- Do not attempt to use any ‘pick-up’ lines, such as ‘Want to learn about human biology? Come with me and I’ll teach you some’  
37- Do not attempt to make me express humor through illogical, feline-revolved videos  
38- Do not attempt to convince me that ‘Armageddon’ is a non-fiction film  
39- Do not place a whoopi cushion on my seat before I arrive at the Bridge  
40- Do not change 

Number 41 is of upmost importance, T’hy’la. I suggest you avoid breaking it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, suggestions are welcome for what the next list could be. It could be Jim's list of things TO do, or it doesn't have to involve Jim at all. It could be a Leonard to Spock list or Spock to Leonard, or something with Chekov, Uhura, Gaila, Sulu, Janice, Sarek, Amanda, Pike, or Christine. I think this list was harder to write because I needed to make it seem somewhat logical, and Spock-y, so yeah. Anyway, review please!


	3. Pike's List

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's been a long time since I posted a list :/ For any of you who have been checking back for one, I apoligize. I lost my muse again and I've been really busy lately, and I just didn't get around to it. This will not be my last list, hopefully, and if all goes well I plan on posting another over the weekend. For this list only one swear (surprising, right?), some sexual references, and references to songs/movies/vidoes. I hope with the songs/movies/videos I put in here that I didn't offend anyone by implying that they are bad. Most of it is just supposed to be funny, so I used popular songs/movies/videos. Anyway, enjoy!  
> P.S- I tried to get rights to Star Trek during these past couple of weeks, but to no avail. Also, unbetaed

Pike’s List (A.K.A Things James Kirk Can and Can't Do With The Enterprise and Things He Can and Can't Do As Her Captain)

1- Do not recolor the Enterprise  
2- Do not recolor the Bridge  
3- Do not hack into subordinate’s PADDS and change their backgrounds to any of the following things: A 21st Century Honey Boo-Boo GIF, 21st Century Band One Direction, 21st Century Singer Taylor Swift, 21st Century Singer and Actor Miley Cyrus, Any Sexually Suggestive or Provocative Photos, Romulans, Yourself, Commander Spock, Doctor McCoy, or any other crew member. (Note: The examples above have occurred at least twice.)  
4- Do not change the alert tone of any crew member’s PADD to any of the following: Sexy Bitch (As reported by Commander Spock), Girlfriend (As also reported by Commander Spock), Titanium (As reported by Mr. Chekov), What Doesn’t Kill You (As reported by Nurse Chapel), What Makes You Beautiful (As reported by Doctor McCoy), We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together (As reported by Ms. Uhura), I’m Proud To Be An American ( As reported by Mr. Sulu), or Nobody’s Perfect (As reported by Ms. Rand)  
5- Do not hack into Ambassador Sarek’s PADD or other handheld device and change the alert tone to ‘E.T’ by 21st Century Singer Katy Perry  
6- Do not arrive late to the Bridge for being hungover, drunk, or depressed  
7- Do not sexually harass any crew members, female, male, or otherwise  
8- Do not command subordinates to participate in sexual acts  
9- Do not fire Mr. Scott  
10- Do not play any 21st or 20th Century songs including ‘Like A Virgin’ by Madonna over the intercoms   
11- Do not change all of the replicators menus to tomato soup or burritos  
12- Do not command anyone else to change the replicator menus  
13- Do not wear a female uniform to the Bridge. Doing so twice has already scarred your crew members enough  
14- Do not say ridiculous and embarrassing things while participating in the wedding to two crew members  
15- Do not proclaim that you are a God to any new life forms (Violation of the Prime Directive)  
16- Do not ask any non-specific gendered members of your crew what their ‘fun parts’ are  
17- Do not create a social networking site and require all crew members and known alien life forms to sign up  
18- Do not accidently leave the intercom on while you and Commander Spock engage in intercourse  
19- Do not purposely leave the intercom on while you and Commander Spock engage in intercourse  
20- Do not accidently leave the tri-viewer on while you and Commander Spock engage in intercourse  
21- Do not purposely angle the tri-viewer (while it is on) towards the bed while you and Commander Spock engage in intercourse  
22- Do not fly the Enterprise into Romulan territory without direct orders from Starfleet  
23- Do not fly the Enterprise into Kling-On territory without direct orders from Starfleet  
24- Do not fly the Enterprise into a hostile quadrant without direct orders from Starfleet  
25- Do not fly the Enterprise into any remotely dangerous place with direct orders from Starfleet  
26- Do not eat apples on the Bridge to appear more like a douche bag than you already are  
27- Do not play the song ‘I Whip My Hair Back and Forth’ and command all female crew members and Doctor McCoy to dance accordingly to the music  
28- Do not break dance on the Bridge  
29- Do not dance in general on the Bridge  
30- Do not dance period  
31- Do not make rude comments about the menstruation cycle of any female crew member, which includes implying that they are ‘on the rag’  
32- Do not pick any of the following videos for movie night: ‘Monster Inc.’, ‘Walk The Line’, ‘Flash Dance’, ‘Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants’, ‘Water for Elephants’, ‘Twilight’, ‘Men In Black’ (Only to make rude comments to alien crew members, including Spock), ‘E.T’ (For the previously mentioned reason), ‘Tangled’, Or Any Porn Film  
33- Do not bring tribbles aboard the Enterprise under any circumstances  
34- Do not say that you are a self-proclaimed and world renowned genius, even if it is true  
35- ‘Because I’m The Captain’ is, in most cases, not a sound argument  
36- ‘Because I’m Hotter Than You’ is, in most cases, not a sound argument  
37- ‘Because I’m Smarter Than You’ is, in most cases, not a sound argument  
38- ‘Because Spock is My Girlfriend’ is, in most cases, a much more sound argument than those mentioned above  
39- “I’m Hot and You’re Not, Therefore Your Argument Is Invalid’ is not a sound argument  
40- Insulting crew members based on weight, skin color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, career, height, facial features, habits, race, hobbies, favorite color, likes and dislikes, relationship status, partner, I.Q level, parents, childhood, clothing style, hair style, eye color, hair color, shoe size, jewelry, make-up, voice, and/or virginity is not tolerated  
41- Bring any sort of alien animal life form aboard the ship for non-educational uses is not allowed  
42- Stating that ‘Underwear Day’ is a national holiday and will be celebrated aboard the Enterprise is not allowed  
43- Stating that ‘Chocolate Cupcake Day’ is a national holiday and will be celebrated aboard the Enterprise is not allowed  
44- Do not give random crew members valentines with sexual messages inside  
45- Do not harm my ship  
46- Do not fail me  
47- Do not fail your mother  
48- Do not fail your father

Pike Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it and had a few chuckles along the way. I enjoyed writing it, even though it took longer than I hope it would. As always, suggestions are welcome and reviews make my day. I might do Uhura's list for Jim next, although that will probably be pretty short, or maybe I'll do something with Pike and Spock or McCoy and Spock.


	4. Joanna's List

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, another chapter up! So this was an idea given to me from the user 'redford'. This is Joanna's list for Jim about things he can and can't do to her father. I didn't know her actual age, so I just put it at around fifteen, although I actually think she's younger than that. Warnings are only a swear and sexual references. I cried today when I lost all rights to Star Trek, and when I realized this is unbetaed and I have to take credit of all the errors.

Joanna’s List

1- Do not put my father in harm’s way  
2- Do not interrogate my father about the divorce  
3- Do not hook my father up with anyone  
4- Do not break my father’s list  
5- Do not insult my father’s doctoring skills  
6- Do not make him say ‘He’s Dead, Jim’ every time a red shirt dies  
7- Do not play strip poker with my father  
8- Do not beam my father down in a red shirt  
9- Do not steal my father’s ale  
10- Do not interrogate my father about me  
11- Do not make my father dance in public  
12- Do not make my father sing in public  
13- Do not open the ‘Do Not Open Jim You Bastard’ file on my father’s PADD  
14- If you happen to break rule 13, do not read anything inside  
15- If you happen to break rule 14, do not laugh at my father’s poetry. He is very proud.  
16- Do not play ‘would you rather’ with my father  
17- Do not pop you gums* in my father’s ear  
18- Do not poke my father repeatedly  
19- Do not flick my father repeatedly  
20- Do not hum in my father’s ear repeatedly  
21- Do not grab my father’s wrist and high five him repeatedly  
22- Do not hack into my father’s PADD and make him watch hilarious cat videos that he does not find hilarious  
23- Do not watch my father without blinking  
24- Do not claim that you are sick when you are not  
25- Do not force my father to analyze tribbles  
26- Do not claim that you are PMSing and need to get off of the Bridge before you yank somebody’s head off  
27- Do not make sexual comments about my father to his face  
28- Do not make sexual comments about my father behind his back  
29- Do not make sexual comments about my father in general  
30- Do not ever start a story with ‘Remember that time at the Academy, Bones?’  
31- Do not ever sing ‘I’m A Barbie Girl, In A Barbie World’ in my father’s Sickbay  
32- Do not watch horror movies with my father and then find ways to keep him awake afterwards  
33- Do not hit on anyone he is in a relationship with  
34- Do not refuse his request for shore leave  
35- Make sure you keep him safe

Please, keep him from doing anything too reckless/stupid/chaotic/regretful ~ Joanna 

(Everything mentioned above is based on previous true events)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! up next: Keenser's List which will probably be short (no pun intended) and very centered around his height. Sort of a filler list also suggested by 'redford'. Thank-you for all the reviews, kudos, and suggestions, I really appreciate it :D  
> (* Popping your gums is what I call it when someone mimics the noise that Donkey make in Shrek 1 or 2, I can't remember which, and if you've never seen Shrek, go rent the movie, pop some popcorn, shut down your computer for the night and watch it over and over again to make up for your clearly deprived childhood)


	5. Nyota's List

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is obviously not Keenser's list like I said I was writing next...I just opted for something else. Rest assured that I will be writing it sometime. This is actually Uhura's list, and I'm not as happy with it, but I think it's okay. So, I don't own Star Trek, I don't own the song mentioned here, and I never, ever will. This work is unbetaed, any errors are my own and warnings are only sexually suggestive content and swear words.

Nyota’s List  
1) Fuck you, Jim  
2) Sorry ^  
3) You will not hit on me while in an exclusive relationship with Spock  
4) You will not hit on me in general you disgusting pig  
5) Just because you are Captain does _not_ mean I have to respect or like you  
6) Don’t abuse your ability to order people around, ‘kay?  
7) If you ever get deaged to a child, do not throw up on me  
8) Actually, I wouldn’t put it past you to throw up on me as an adult  
9) Do not draw a mustache on my face in my sleep  
10) Do not tell people that Gaila and I are in a lesbian relationship  
11) Do not tell people that Sulu and I are doing the mattress dance  
12) How about you just keep your damn nose out of other people’s romantic lives  
13) Do not protest the regulation length of female uniforms (while a good cause that I support) by wearing a female uniform to the Bridge  
14) Wasn’t that on Doctor McCoy’s or Pike’s List? ^  
15) Do not act all smug because you get to sit in the fancy Captain’s chair  
16) Do not mock me when I am trying to communicate to aliens in their native tongue  
17) Do not change by PADD ringer to ‘Fuck You’ by 21st Century singer Cee Lo Green  
18) Do not mock me about my sex life  
19) Do not make sexual jokes involving Engineer Scott and I by saying something along the lines of ‘warp drive’, ‘engines burning up’, and ‘I don’t know how much longer she’ll last, Captain!’  
20) Do not try and sing to me (mockingly or otherwise) in any of the following languages: Vulcan, Romulan, Klingon, or English, if you can even _speak_ any of those languages anyhow  
21) Do not make a gun/shooting motion with your hand while eating an apple on the Bridge, it’s really fucking annoying  
22) Do not mock me when I’m in the gym wearing that ugly red leotard  
23) Do not photo bomb pictures by putting bunny ears behind my head  
24) Do not photo bomb pictures by pulling out the front of your shirt so it looks like you have breasts  
25) Do not photo bomb photos by faking a boner  
26) Work on your photo bombing skills, frankly I’m not impressed  
27) Don’t make sexual jokes on the Bridge-just don’t  
28) Don’t dye Spock’s hair  
29) Desist shouting someone’s name as loud as you possibly can when A) they’re right next to you or b) you’re annoyed/angered by them  
30) Don’t walk slowly in front of people when you’re walking down the corridor  
31) Don’t throw something to the recycling, miss, and keep on walking like it wasn’t you who threw it  
32) Do not have hour long conversations in front of a doorway, especially Sickbay  
33) If you’re going to use a public restroom, try not to leave toilet paper _all over the bathroom floor_  
34) Don’t make stupid faces when you don’t understand something  
35) Don’t talk loudly in public places i.e everywhere about your personal issues  
36) Stop laughing at your own jokes before you reach the punchline  
37) Stop laughing at your own jokes because usually they really aren’t that funny  
38) If you’re going to go down to the lounge/recreation room where everyone hangs out and drinks and shove you’re way to the front of the line to get a drink, at least _know_ what you’re going to order  
39) If I’m (or anyone else for that matter) is headed towards a seat in the mess hall or recreation rooms, don’t swoop in and sit there because I _know_ you saw me eyeing that bitch  
40) Stop blasting music nobody wants to hear  
41) Stop standing so close to people ( including me) and get a sense of your own bubble  
42) How about you just stop being so fucking annoying?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a review, or a like or something if you liked it at all, and thank-you for anyone who read.


	6. Keenser's List

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, I finally got around to Keenser's List! As I said before, it is short, only 23 rules I think, but this was pretty difficult to write. This is really more of a filler list, just to tide you guys over while I ponder what list I should write next. I think there will only be two or three more lists after this one, given the fact that I'm running out of crew members that I could successfully write a list for, so I'm sorry about that. However, if there are any requests for the next two (or three) lists I'd be happy to take them, but no more than three, because I think I've got to retire and complete this. Thank-you all for reading and reviewing, they make me smile and feel so giddy that people think they're funny and are anxiously awaiting new ones.   
> Warnings: No swearing, I don't think  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing  
> Edits: A few, but still not betaed. I'm a lone wolf and I don't mind ;)  
> Enjoy!

Keenser’s List  
1) I am not the _Enterprise’s_ cheerleader  
2) Just because I’m short, don’t expect me to crawl through air ducts  
3) Or through claustrophobic underground tunnels  
4) Or other places that have the tendency to fall, or cave in  
5) I’m not a doll to be coddled  
6) I will not tolerate you perfecting your parenting skills on me  
7) Cease telling me to get down from high places; whether it’s out of concern or otherwise (sitting in high places makes me feel better about myself)  
8) Don’t expect me to be satisfied with _one_ noodle.   
9) Don’t listen to what Scotty says; he doesn’t know anything  
10) Do not refer to me as short-stack; I did have my growth spurt  
11) Don’t ask me if your fly is zipped or not, even though I may be nearly eye-level with that region of your body  
12) Whenever we play paint ball or laser tag, don’t be on my team just because I’m short and dark and think I have a God given talent. It’s not true.  
13) I like piggy back rides, but now when you’re constantly zooming me around like an airplane  
14) If you catch me hiding in a crevice (or something akin to that) it’s for a reason  
15) It might _seem_ like I need assistance getting up on the biobed, but if you happen to be in Sickbay at the same time as me, refrain from lifting me. I am not a child  
16) Do not insist on grabbing my hands if we happen to be walking down one of the corridor’s together and swing me in the air like a ragdoll  
17) Do not change any of my ringtones or alerts to ‘Low’  
18) Do not publically broadcast my height (or lack of one as you would put it) over a ship wide intercom  
19) Do not post the heights and/or height changes in crew members in the mess hall that includes me  
20) Do not ask me if other parts of my body is small too; I’ll file a sexual assault claim  
21) Do not attempt to pair me up with other short members of your crew  
22) If I beam down to the planet with you, don’t send me on suicide missions because I’m short and have a better chance at completing them  
23) I believe judging me based on my height violates one of Christopher Pike’s rules  
24) How about you don’t mention this list to my face and make an inappropriate comment on how it is ‘short’. I will not find it amusing

Keenser

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, please remember to leave a review with your suggestions (or not) and I'll get around to them ASAP. Again, thank you to all my dedicated reviewers. I enjoy responding and having conversations with a few of you.


	7. Jim's List Of His Greatest Annoyances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is just a long list because it's been a while since I last updated. This list will actually be of the things that bothers Jim the most (not necessarily related to the crew). After this will be Scotty's List and then Jim's big book of lists will be done. However, I am considering writing little drabbles explaining why some rules are on the lists. If you have any specific rules you want me to write a little drabble about, just leave a comment with the rule number and list name. I'll being doing some of my own favorite rules too. Anyway, I hope you like it and have a few chuckles!
> 
> (I own absolutely nothing and this work is unbetaed.)

Jim's List of His Greatest Annoyances

1) Airports  
2)People who walk too slowly down the hall  
3) Bones' List  
4) Spock's List  
5) Pike's List  
6) Keenser's List  
7) Joanna's List  
8) Nyota's List  
9) Following Rules  
10) Being shown up by Spock in the gym  
11) People who exercise in the gym locker room back at the academy  
12) Bus Fares  
13) Police Officers  
14) Hypos  
15) Unnecessary use of hypos  
16) Aliens with really long and hard to pronounce names  
17) Ambassadors and other diplomats  
18) Sarek  
19) Running out of toilet paper when I'm using the bathroom  
20) Hitchhikers  
21) My opponent passing out before I do when we're Binge Drinking  
22) The bottle landing on a male in 'spin the bottle'  
23) Stubble   
24) Frank  
25) Tribbles  
26) Khan  
27) Bones getting so hung over that he isn't in Sickbay and some pervert has to do my physical instead  
28) People hitting on Spock  
29) Spock withholding sex  
30) Burnt food  
31) Being told not to sing in the gym  
32) Those red gay gym shorts  
33) The sound of the red alert  
34) Old People  
35) Leg spasms  
36) Charley Horse's   
37) Cramps  
38) Cramps while swimming  
39) Periods  
40) People saying I'm on my man cycle  
41) Lady bugs  
42) Sunburns  
43) Being constipated  
44) Writing Lists  
45) Dumb people  
46) Admirals  
47) People who eat mints like candy  
48) My PADD running out of battery  
49) Shuttle crafts   
50) Space potholes  
51) People who won't answer our hailing   
52) When Starfleet messages come in two days too late  
53) When people complain about National Chocolate Cupcake Day  
54) Little boobs  
55) Fat people  
56) People who say they are fat when they aren't  
57) People who say they are fat but do nothing about it  
58) Babies crying in the seat next to me  
59) Childbirth  
60) Nero  
61) People who don't wear deodorant  
62) When I'm the only person willing to watch Titanic  
63) People talking about celebrities  
64) Vulcan Robes  
65) Xenophobic assholes  
66) Italian Food  
67) Sick Spock  
68) Text talk  
69) People who wink too much  
70) People who dye their hair blonde  
71) Movies not containing lap dance or sex scene  
72) Heavy metal music  
73) Yeomans who spill my coffee all over me  
74) Telepathy  
75) Necklaces on men  
76) Sand that is too hot  
77) People who pick at the grass when they're sitting on the ground  
78) Losing electricity for no reason at all   
79) Alien languages  
80) T'Pau  
81) Bones when he has hypos  
82) Cleaning  
83) Bumble bees  
84) Watching horror movies when someone puts a needle through someone else's eye  
85) Stupid bitches in horror movies that always run upstairs instead of outside  
86) People quoting movies  
87) Pregnancy scares  
88) Drunk country singers  
89) Wet towels  
90) Not having hot water when taking a shower  
91) People who take thirty minutes in the shower  
92) People with annoying laughs  
93) People who don't brush their teeth and always have food stuck in there  
94) Bones' lectures  
95) Winona when she fusses over me  
96) Paper cuts  
97) Tree huggers  
98) Those wrinkles on the Kling-On's forehead  
99) Sports commentary  
100) No one falling for my cheesy pick up lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a review if you have a minute!


	8. 100 Things Jim Kirk Learned About His Crew members The Duration of Their Mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this obviously isn't Scotty's List that I promised, so I apologize to anyone who was looking forward to that. However I just couldn't get my muse started with it, so I settled for this, which I hope you like :) Warnings: Swearing (maybe), sexual implications, things regarding Vulcan anatomy. Unbeated.   
> This is the final chapter that I have planned :( but if anything else ever strikes me, I will add to it.

1) Sulu was not born in Asia

2) Red hair scares Chekov

3) Scotty's favorite holiday is St. Patrick's Day, despite it being mostly an Irish holiday

4) Nyota was fat when she was a child

5) Bones used to smoke pot

6) Spock used to have freckles

7) Bones' daughter looks just like him

8) Christine Chapel is scared of hospitals (WTF?)

9) Sulu used to pilot old-fashioned helicopters when he was in high school

10) Nyota had lesbian sex before

11) Bones once had a crush on Spock 

12) Spock gets drunk on chocolate and has subsequent chocolate hangovers

13) Chekov had a crush on me

14) Nyota's favorite music is country

15) Scotty can't stomach lite beers

16) Spock has double ridges *wink*

17) Chekov has three sisters

18) Scotty tried to have sex with the Enteprise once

19) Bones had sex with M'Benga

20) Nyota had sex with Gailia and Yeoman Rand

21) Christine has a crush on Bones

22) Chekov and Sulu not only had sex but are in a relationship

23) Spock and Pike dated

24) They also had sex -_- 

25) Sulu wanted to marry a plant when he was six

26) Bones heard the news about the Kelvin explosion when he was seven

27) Chekov graduated highschool when he was a sophomore 

28) Nyota is bisexual, but mostly straight

29) Spock was pushed down the stairs and cracked open his head when he was a kid

30) Bones hates peaches

31) Trains freak Christine out

32) They also freak Scotty out

33) Spock can get pregnant

34) Chekov used to pretend he was a bear when he was a kid

35) Nyota used to own a pet piranha

36) Spock used to own a sehlet 

37) Bones used to ride horses

38) Sulu is scared of little kids

39) Scotty was popular in middle school

40) Bones fails one of his SAT test

41) Nyota's mother thought she had schizophrenia when she was four

42) Spock's mother was almost arrested for violently assaulting one of his tormentors (Go Amanda!)

43) Christine least favorite color is orange

44) Sulu has never celebrated the Fourth of July

45) Chekov is a self-proclaimed atheist

46) Scotty used to be obsessed with video games

47) Spock's mom was Jewish

48) Bones' father never drank alcohol, but his mom did

49) Scotty used to smoke

50) Nyota wanted to be a writing when she was a teenager

51) Chekov is obsessed with old superhero movies

52) Spock dislikes canines

53) Bones loves stand-up comedians 

54) Chekov used to have a crush on Spock

55) Bones' mother knew my mother

56) Spock is obsessed with felines

57) Sulu hates cameras

58) Spock looks good in jeans

59) Nyota hates wearing pants

60) Bones wants another child someday

61) Chekov is afraid of fire

62) Christine never learned how to swim

63) Neither did Spock ^

64) Sulu taught himself fencing

65) Bones loves bitching about the news

66) Nyota once had a dream that she was a dragon

67) Scotty is dyslexic 

68) Spock was born prematurely 

69) Chekov was born through C-section

70) Spock's mother miscarriage-d three times before he was born

71) He also had a twin sister who died in the womb 

72) Bones once thought that he wanted to get a sex change

73) Nyota is very dominant in the bedroom

74) Chekov has a cowlick

75) Sulu once got a buzz cut

76) Scotty hates Mexican food

77) Spock dislikes Italian food

78) Bones once fell off a biobed

79) Sulu had braces

80) When Spock was a kid, he was hit by a car and paralyzed from the waist down temporarily 

81) Spock's father sued these morons ^

82) Nyota had a kidney transplant when she was 16

83) Bones used to listen to heavy metal music

84) Chekov was mugged

85) Sulu has never been anywhere on Earth besides the U.S

86) Nyota has an older brother

87) Spock was born with blonde hair

88) Sulu hates roller coasters

89) One time Bones threw up on Christine

90) The first time Spock said 'penis' in English he pronounced it 'penince' 

91) Sulu loves skydiving

92) Chekov hates it ^

93) Christine gets sick whenever she sees the color green

94) Scotty hates the thought of surgery 

95) Bones was shot at when he was 14

96) Spock grew up in the city Shi'Kar, the capital of Old Vulcan

97) Scotty hates the cold

98) Nyota loves the country 

99) Spock has a Vulcan accent that he covers up

100) They all said that they love me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing! Thank you to all my dedicated reviewers, and anyone else who took the time out of their day to just read. I thank you all and it means so much to me.


	9. Scotty's Misadventure With The Enterprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, what the fuck. Didn't I just say a couple of hours ago that this thing was finished? God damn plot bunnies. So, if there is one thing you know about me by now it's that I'm bad with keeping my word, and clearly this confirms it. So, I'm writing little ficlets/drabble things for selective rules (or events) throughout the lists. So, I got a request to do one with Scotty attempting to have sex with the Enterprise, so here goes nothing! Also, I own nothing and can't write Scottish accents for the life of me, or any accent for that matter.  
> (Warnings: Attempted sex with an inanimate object, swearing (maybe...?), unbetaedness)

In Scotty's defense he was drunk. As in fucking wasted with no sense of which direction was left or right. He couldn't walk straight, his vision was blurry, and his breath was coming in ragged heaves. If he had been a lesser man, he'd worry about alcohol poisoning. But if anyone aboard this damn ship could stomach their alcohol it was Montgomery Scott. 

He'd had the day off, and so had McCoy and Kirk. So, the three of them headed down to the mess hall, and went promptly over to the bar to spend the majority of the day. Spock, who also had the day off but politely declined their offer to get 'shit faced' with them. He also made a point to remind them that as a Vulcan, alcohol, let it be scotch, vodka, or simply beer did not intoxicate him. Kirk kindly offered to make him a hot chocolate, but this offer, too, was meant with disapproval.

Nonetheless, nothing the first officer did could deter the three illogical humans from laughing and drinking themselves silly all day long. Kirk stuck mostly to beer and McCoy Romulan ale, but Scotty has a motto. If you're going to go, go hard. So he kept himself to scotch and vodka. Needless to say, he was the most drunk by 2200 hours. Kirk had dispersed shortly before Scotty and McCoy, saying he had some business to attend to with Spock. McCoy made a universal gagging gesture. 

McCoy, being the good doctor that he is and being just slightly more coherent than his Scottish friend, offered to help him back to his quarters, but Scotty vehemently, for him at least, said that he was not going to be brought back to his quarters like a damsel in distress. They drank a little longer, McCoy said goodnight and stumbled away, leaving Scotty and the annoyed and tired bartender alone in the dimly lit mess hall.

Therefore it wasn't surprising that he was blindly groping his way through engineering at 2330 hours. Most of the engineering staff had already gone back to their quarters, except for the night shift of course. But that consisted of only a few members, and none of them seemed to notice, and if they did they didn't acknowledge, the drunken man limping among them. 

Scotty leaned against one of the huge, groaning engines, sweat beading his brow. He felt just slightly nausea....maybe he should have taken McCoy's offer and gone back to his quarters. Except if he had, he'd be all alone and cold...and without the warm, purring lady behind him. Turning around, he eyed the engine, fingers pressing against the heated metal. Here he was, in the weak light of engineering bay, with very little crew members around and none in sight and alone with his favorite lady in the whole wide world. 

"How's is...my bayyyy-beeee toni'gt?" He slurred, barely audible through the cacophonous combination of his accent and slurred breath. His fingers dug slightly into the engine as he pressed his body up against it, hissing as the machine sent vibrations through his body. His tongue darted out from between his lips and slurped at the metal, nose nuzzling against his 'lady'. Heat pooled in his lower body as he rutted against the engine, eyes shutting. The engine seemed largely unresponsive to his ministrations though, which sent a pang of uncertainty through his brain. However, in his drunken stupor, he rutted against it. Also, if it made a lick of a difference, he wasn't aware that the purring, heated creature beneath him was not an actual woman. 

"Scotty?" A slightly slurred and heavy voice broke through his arousal. The Scot pushed himself away from the engine, heat coloring his face. In the light, he could just see the brilliant, albeit hazy, eyes of Captain Kirk. 

"Cap'n!" Scotty greeted, tripping over his own two feet to meet the human half way. Kirk was still obviously drunk, by the way his body swayed and his pupils were dilated so. 

"What were ya doing?" He asked, squinting as he tried to focus his swimming vision. Scotty looked over his shoulder.

"You -ah- ya caught me at the wrong time, Cap'n! Me and me lady were just getting heavy." He looked pointedly over his shoulder at the engine again, that continued to purr away. Kirk smiled a knowing smile and looked where Scotty was looking.

"Ah yes. I apologize for barging in. She's a beauty, I can see. Please...er..." Kirk looked pale for a moment, like he was about to lose his dinner. "Excuse me." The Captain rushed away, hand clamped over his mouth as he made a bee line for the nearest restroom. 

Scotty decided after a few more moments of trying to arose his lady that she just wasn't in the mood. so, he stumbled home and resigned himself to a sexless night.

Fortunately for the both of them, neither one remembered the event in the morning. It would, however, be forever recorded into the engineering bay's security cameras.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be surprised if several more pop up within the next few weeks or so...

**Author's Note:**

> Review if you want, just to tell me if you liked it. Maybe I'll make more lists in the future ;) Such as Spock's rules for Jim, or something like that. I'm open to suggestions/requests/whatever.


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